If I Could Make Time Stand Still

I always complain about not having time to write personally for myself, but the truth is, I do have the time. I just don't spend it as wisely as I should. Well...that is definitely something that I plan on working towards doing--spending my time more wisely. So...I plan on blogging more (and I have my wonderful teacher, Tamara Jeffries, to thank for this). I can't work on developing my craft if I don't actually practice it. My creative juices flow at their best at night time.

Something that India.Arie said in her recent blog really stuck out to me. She discussed how her putting her time and energy into her career led to her not nurturing her relationships in other areas. I feel that I have done the same. I have this complex inside of me where I feel that I have to constantly work and prove myself, that if I don't, the millions of other people in the world who work harder than me will snatch up the opporutnities that I missed. It has proven to be a dangerous complex at times. It has left me feeling physically drained and emotionally exhausted. It has left me in tears at 4 in the morning. It has left me laying in bed, looking up at the wall, wishing that my bed would swallow me because at that moment, the thought of getting out the bed exhausted me too much. It has left me gaining more weight than I would have liked to. I have physical and spiritual baggage because of it. And right now, in this moment and space, I recognize it and I want to change it.

I wish that I could spend time with every single person in my life who means the world to me, and I am plagued with an immense amount of guilt when I can't. I try to be 5 different versions of myself so that each area of my life will be satisfied, and as expected, I fail each and every time.

The truth is, since my sophomore year (last year) of college, I have worked hard. I've gotten the grades. I've been involved. On the outside, I have looked like the perfect college student.

On tbe inside, it has been a different story.

I don't talk to my best friends as much as I used to, and it does hurt. Is it my fault? I can take the blame. I'll text because it takes less time than making a phone call. I've convinced myself that a text message is better than nothing, and it makes sense to the busy Bri. But the real me--that's not something that I do. I don't actually enjoy texting. You can't hear that laugh that people laugh from their stomachs through a text. You can't hear that sigh when you both have finished laughing and can only sigh. You're laughed out, and you enjoy knowing that you have someone that you can laugh that way with. Honestly, I wish I could do it face to face more often, but the way that I have positioned my life, it's left me not coming home more and more often. Everyone is proud of me, and I am proud of what I've accomplished. I have an extremely powerful and competitive resume.

But I can't help but feel empty as I do my traveling, as I come back to school early to handle my responsibilites as an RA. Is this the way that my life will be? Professionally sucessful, but emotionally poor?

Maybe.

But I want to make more of an effort to not use the "I'm Busy" excuse as much. Yes, I am busy, but not busy doing productive things. And sometimes, it's okay to get lost in a conversation seeing how my friends and family are done. That paper or that article can wait a few minutes. I've seen more friendships of mine fall to the wayside in the past two years than I would have liked to. Some of them were expected, but ones that are really dear to me need to be nurtured and loved.

So beyond working on my procrastination, I want to work on my time management so that I can have a balance of professional success and emotional happiness. One day at a time.