Ready...

i have been transitioning from relaxed to natural hair for about a year and a half. just like the natural hair websites predicted, i have become frustrated with the two different textures that have presented themselves to me. growing towards the ends of my hair are the nicely straight ends. very polite in nature, they remain intact, no matter how much water i put towards them, no matter how much i twist them with my fingers. they let me know, "we prefer the easy path...we're the least resistant, honey." i've been accepting of it.

i have always had an attachment to my hair, much like i've had an attachment to control of my life. i've had a fear of the unknown, so if i controlled things, then i would have nothing to be fear. i've always been known as the girl with the long hair. i've always had long, perfectly straightened and relaxed hair. the mention of me cutting my hair resulted in a male classmate of mine to respond that he was worried that i wouldn't be as attractive with shorter hair. i've cut my hair before, but the shortest it's been has been grazing my shoulders. that was comfortable for me. and again, it's always been straight. having hair that comes to my shoulders allowed me to hide behind my hair if i wanted to (which most of the time, i do).

my sophomore and current junior years of college have been filled with lessons and experiences that i am learning to appreciate. i have changed in so many ways, and i am learning to embrace and love the new Bri. i am no longer comfortable with the straight hair. i desire more.

i don't know when it happened, but natural hair has always been a secret goal of mine. i've had a perm since i was about 5, so i've only known relaxed hair--a decision that was not made for me. my second attempt at growing out my relaxed hair has so far been a success. i received my last relaxer in July of 2009, and haven't looked back.

but within the last few months, something inside of me has wanted to steer away from the comfortable flat-ironed style that i've been accustomed to. i've been fascinated with the way that my "new growth" (the hair that is not relaxed) curls up in spite of the perfectly straight hair. i absolutely love it.

i've been twisting my hair to further the curl definition, and i am learning my hair for the first time. i never know how it will look, and i am (for the most part) pleasantly surprised with how it ends up turning out. it is learning me and i am learning it.

i am excited about these changes. i am ready to say bye to the permed ends of my hair. i am ready to be uncomfortable. i am ready to accept the change. i am ready to embrace the young woman that i am becoming.

i am ready to be naturally me. Pics coming soon.

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uh oh. i can see now that blogging is going to take over my life, but in such a very good way. my soul will be fed and it will be cleansed. everything will be in order.

i'm just up...thinking as usual and the thing/person that popped into my head was love. i am very much in love, and have been for almost two years. i have told others before him that i loved them, and in that space and time, i did. but i am, as expected, a different person, so i love him in a difference space and capacity and with a different effort.

it is a more freeing love, a more realistic love, a more selfless love. it is a love that has taught me much about myself. he has taken my heart in his hands and has made it his duty to learn each and every thing behind each and every beat that it takes. he knows me. he still is getting to know me. he makes it his mission to study me.

i am not one of those lovelorn young people that make others roll their eyes at the sickening displays of affection. that's not me. it actually took me a long time to build up the courage to become comfortable enough with placing my hand inside of his. i didn't want to get comfortable with feeling his palm against mine. i knew that once i did, i would forget what it was like before it was there--and i didn't want to do that.

i remember who i was before he found the right space to lay his head on my shoulder. i knew love. i had found it within my developing relationship with God, moreso than any other love i'd known before. i'd seen the things that God had done with my heart, and it solidified my decision to begin a lifelong love affair with Him. i knew love. i knew that it was selfless. i knew that it was enduring. and not that, "girl, all we do is fight but i don't want nobody but him i swear." it was strong. i never looked at people the same way. i've always been a nice person with a heart as soft as the biggest bed in the world, but once i came to knew God's love, i became a loving person. i exuded it.

so it only made sense that someone was brought into my life as one of the many reflections of His love for me. and like that meeting with God, it changed my life. he is more than just a boyfriend, more than just a friend. he is a mirror. if you didn't tell me different, i know that God speaks to me through him. He touches his heart with every word that he says to me. God loves me through him, and all i can do is be grateful that i don't remember what it was like before he rubbed his fingers gently inside of my palm while smiling at me with his eyes.

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I am changing into who I am meant to be and it is scary.

My body is turning into someone who looks like a woman. I look at my hips, widening with the days, block back the tears that come when people pull me to the side and give me the knowing glance.

Those hips came from...you know. They say, giving me a side grin. I look back and sigh. No, no bun in this oven. Still trying to figure out the yeast in my own oven.

I see how my steps have become more confident. I speak up more, but then in the same breath, I've become quieter and more fearful. I am becoming myself, and the little girl in me is gripping tightly to who I was. She doesn't want to change.

Friends who I thought would bring the laughs in my life only bring tears that I just am not ready to yet fall yet. My relationship has brought up new questions. Marriage is not the answer that I am ready to reply with, although my boyfriend has luckily turned out to be pretty much the best guy in the world.

I am still learning the crooks and crevices of me. Of my body. From the tops of my soon to be all natural hair to the bottom of my toes. I want to learn me. I want to explore me. I want to love me, no questions asked.

This brown skinned girl...I just want to be her. I just want to be me, and I know this makes no sense at all, but that's the beauty in this process. It makes no sense to me, yet I know that I'm on the right path.

I love hard. I try to write the stories that I think fit the people in my life, but I'm learning that journalism and storytelling, although my gifts, are best for characters that I have no ties to. I'm focusing on writing my own story. Using the notebooks that I've had all alone. Selah.

Oh, and it means...praise and meditation.

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If I Could Make Time Stand Still

I always complain about not having time to write personally for myself, but the truth is, I do have the time. I just don't spend it as wisely as I should. Well...that is definitely something that I plan on working towards doing--spending my time more wisely. So...I plan on blogging more (and I have my wonderful teacher, Tamara Jeffries, to thank for this). I can't work on developing my craft if I don't actually practice it. My creative juices flow at their best at night time.

Something that India.Arie said in her recent blog really stuck out to me. She discussed how her putting her time and energy into her career led to her not nurturing her relationships in other areas. I feel that I have done the same. I have this complex inside of me where I feel that I have to constantly work and prove myself, that if I don't, the millions of other people in the world who work harder than me will snatch up the opporutnities that I missed. It has proven to be a dangerous complex at times. It has left me feeling physically drained and emotionally exhausted. It has left me in tears at 4 in the morning. It has left me laying in bed, looking up at the wall, wishing that my bed would swallow me because at that moment, the thought of getting out the bed exhausted me too much. It has left me gaining more weight than I would have liked to. I have physical and spiritual baggage because of it. And right now, in this moment and space, I recognize it and I want to change it.

I wish that I could spend time with every single person in my life who means the world to me, and I am plagued with an immense amount of guilt when I can't. I try to be 5 different versions of myself so that each area of my life will be satisfied, and as expected, I fail each and every time.

The truth is, since my sophomore year (last year) of college, I have worked hard. I've gotten the grades. I've been involved. On the outside, I have looked like the perfect college student.

On tbe inside, it has been a different story.

I don't talk to my best friends as much as I used to, and it does hurt. Is it my fault? I can take the blame. I'll text because it takes less time than making a phone call. I've convinced myself that a text message is better than nothing, and it makes sense to the busy Bri. But the real me--that's not something that I do. I don't actually enjoy texting. You can't hear that laugh that people laugh from their stomachs through a text. You can't hear that sigh when you both have finished laughing and can only sigh. You're laughed out, and you enjoy knowing that you have someone that you can laugh that way with. Honestly, I wish I could do it face to face more often, but the way that I have positioned my life, it's left me not coming home more and more often. Everyone is proud of me, and I am proud of what I've accomplished. I have an extremely powerful and competitive resume.

But I can't help but feel empty as I do my traveling, as I come back to school early to handle my responsibilites as an RA. Is this the way that my life will be? Professionally sucessful, but emotionally poor?

Maybe.

But I want to make more of an effort to not use the "I'm Busy" excuse as much. Yes, I am busy, but not busy doing productive things. And sometimes, it's okay to get lost in a conversation seeing how my friends and family are done. That paper or that article can wait a few minutes. I've seen more friendships of mine fall to the wayside in the past two years than I would have liked to. Some of them were expected, but ones that are really dear to me need to be nurtured and loved.

So beyond working on my procrastination, I want to work on my time management so that I can have a balance of professional success and emotional happiness. One day at a time.

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